So, a lot has happened since I last posted an update including the following: (a) Andy was laid off from his job then subsequently re-hired to his job; (b) I found out that I was pregnant (same day Andy was laid off from his job); and (c) my Dad passed away. Needless to say I had a fairly intense summer...
In May, about two months before my Dad died I had the opportunity to read a letter that I wrote to him...I glad that I had this amazing opportunity and experience - I got to tell him how much he meant to me... I then read this letter at my Dad's celebration of life service ... the letter is below
________________________________________
May 9, 2009
Dear Dad –
I’ve been meaning to write this letter to you for a while now – I just kept putting it off – I don’t want to put it off any longer.
More than anything, I want you to know that I love you and that you mean the world to me. I am so lucky and blessed to have been raised by such an incredible people.
I have learned so much from you over the years. I learned about budgeting (even though I’m not the best at finances you gave me a solid foundation); I learned how to care for others (you always cared more for others than you cared for yourself); I learned what it took to succeed in the work world; I learned how to find bargains; I learned how to run meetings (I probably would not run successful meetings now had it not been for our regular family meetings); I learned about persistence and tenacity; I learned how to set and reach my goals; and most importantly I learned what is most important in life – God and family. In addition, I learned how to take moments to laugh at life – I learned how to relax and enjoy life from you.
These past ten years, while very difficult, have been an incredible gift. I love how our relationship evolved over the past ten years. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey with cancer during this time. I’m sure that I was annoying and overbearing at times with the doctors – it was, however, my attempt to try to “control” the situation.
Thank you for welcoming Andy into our family and into your heart with open arms. I think that it is so funny that you always want to make sure that I’m treating Andy right. I appreciate this – it shows me that you care for him as well which is very important to me. Andy is an incredible husband, father, friend and provider – we are very lucky and blessed to have each other. It is amazing to see his transformation into fatherhood – he is an awesome, engaging and loving father. He is already talking about savings for college (although paying for child care feels like paying for college tuition).
You have done so many amazing things for me and I’m not really sure how I can thank you. One of the best gifts you’ve given, besides just being my dad, was your willingness to pay for my college loans. This was a HUGE gift and enabled Andy and I to start off in our 20s in a very strong financial position. We would not have be nearly as far along as we are had it not been for this gift.
As you know, there were times, especially in high school where we drove each other nuts – I’m glad that that stage did not last for too long.
You are one of the primary reasons for who I am today. My commitment to serving others comes directly from you. Poverty is one of the main issues I work on at work. While poverty is a systemic issue especially within the African American population, watching and learning from you has given me hope that people who were born into poverty are not destined to live impoverished lives. One of the most frustrating things for me to see is when people give up – you have always been an example of not giving up. You were born into a poor family but you decided that you wanted more. You worked very hard to get yourself out of poverty. Moreover, you made sure that your family never had to experience it…You are a great example of the importance of dedication, commitment, tenacity, and hard work. You have been an excellent father and excellent provider.
You have taught me the true meaning of life. While I know that you are going to a much better place I will be in the presence of God (which I cannot even imagine – seems amazing and awesome) I will miss our regular phone conversations, your helpful insights into work and life, and your general voice of reason. Also, who am I going to have to laugh about moms craziness with? All in all I’m just going to miss you and your physical presence.
While it has been very difficult to watch your declining physical health and knowing that I will miss you terribly, my prayer for you is that you have a peaceful and pain-free journey back to God.
I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now and I know that it probably sucks to watch so many people hurt for you. Just remember what Andy tells me – the emotional hurt is good because it means that you have loved and were loved tremendously. You are loved by so many people and have impacted a huge number of lives.
I’m going to be the best mother that I can to Benjamin (aka “Super Ben”); be a good wife; and continue to watch out for and care for mom and Josh. If there is anything specific that you’d like for mom or Josh just let me know. More than anything, just know that you are leaving us in the best hands possible – God’s hands.
You are a great man of integrity, faith, pride and dedication. You have accomplished the world. I hope that you feel proud – I am very proud to have you as a father.
Love Always,
Angela
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Ok, so it has been a while ...
So, I'm not even sure where to begin ... I can't believe how much I've ignored my blog - no good excuse other than life itself - is that a good enough reason? I can't believe that it has actually been 6 MONTHS since my last post!!! Yikes!!! Worst blogger ever...
Since it has been SO long since my last post, I'm going to attempt to do a complete (yet concise) summary of my life over the past 6 months...
(1) Super Ben & Being a mom
Super Ben, as Andy and I call him, is now 9 months old ... he is turning into quite a character. He has 8 teeth, his molars are coming in, he is crawling, pulling up on furniture, cruising along the furniture, eating all kinds of solids, can say mama and dada (says dada much more often), still nursing and is not really sleeping through the night. He absolutely loves his childcare - which is great. His child care providers care so much for him - which is exactly what we need. I wish that all families had access to such high quality child care - we are very fortunate and VERY grateful...Super Ben is quite the ladies man and a huge flirt - very funny right now ... will not be funny when he is a teenager. Being a mom has been an exhausting and incredible experience. I love Super Ben so much and Andy and I are very lucky to be given such an incredible gift. I just want to make sure that I am the best parent possible - the difficult thing is that when I get home from work I am flat out tired and spent - sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough "educational" stuff with Super Ben (e.g. being consistent in teaching him sign language, reading more than just "good night moon," going around the house pointing things out to him, teaching him new words, etc.)
(2) My Dad
As many of you may already know, my dad has been living with cancer (adenoid cystic carcinoma with origins in the sublinguial gland) for at a minimum the past 10 years. About a month after returning back to work, we found out that my dad's cancer had spread again...so he now has tumors in both lungs, liver, kidneys, rib cage, pancreas, and stomach. In November or December (it is all a blur right now), his oncologist recommended that my dad consider hospice since there was nothing more that they could do to treat his cancer. (Sidenote: a couple of years ago, my dad had tomotherapy targeted at a couple of tumors one in his lung and another impinging on his esophagus which was interfering with his eating. The tomotherapy was effective in reducing the size of those tumors and essentially extending his life and quality of life. The reason that this is no longer an option is because there are so many tumors throughout his body.) So, my dad is currently in hospice and has been for the past 3 months. For the most part his pain is well managed. He is, however, growing increasingly more weak and losing more and more weight. We try to visit him as much as possible these days. About a 1.5 weeks ago, I had the amazing (and grace filled) experience of reading a letter to my dad about what he means to me. I thought that I would be okay reading the letter - however, I could not even get through the 1st sentence without starting to cry. (I may post the letter here eventually so folks can know what he means to me). In addition to telling my dad what he means to me, as a family we learned what my dad wants at his visitation, funeral, and what he wants for each of us moving forward. What and incredible, albeit very tough, experience.
(3) Andy
All that I can say is that I have the most incredible husband, partner and friend in the world. What else is there to say? Love you Andy!
(4) Work
So, I'm not sure if folks know, but I have a tendency to be rather intense (shocking, I know). For the most part, I absolutely love my job. However, the first 3 months back at work from maternity leave were HORRIBLE - I hated it ... I hated that I had to leave Super Ben, I hated pumping, I hated being without Super Ben all day, and would regularly question my decision to be a mom that also had a career outside the home. I would regularly question my decision to go back to work and felt that I was an awful mother, awful wife, awful worker, etc. I was stressed beyond belief. Things improved dramatically after the new year (really around Feb). We hired some more folks, I (for the most part) came to terms with my decision to have a career, and in general worked very hard to get my sh*t together. There are days that I still question my decision to have a career - however, having a career is so much a part of who I am I don't want to have to choose mother vs. career...I am both and I am learning how to do both well... Any advice???
(5) Reading
I've read a lot of great books over the past 6 months. I'll give an update on that later.
(6) Running
Yeah, still doing that every once in a while. Need to get rid of the front pouch and the back fat...just plain gross.
(7) Knitting
I've completed one knitting project since Super Ben's birth.
Ok, that is all for now - next time, which will be sooner rather than later, I will post some pictures of Super Ben, give an update on my dad, and most likely provide a general rant.
Until then, take care and be well.
Later, A
Since it has been SO long since my last post, I'm going to attempt to do a complete (yet concise) summary of my life over the past 6 months...
(1) Super Ben & Being a mom
Super Ben, as Andy and I call him, is now 9 months old ... he is turning into quite a character. He has 8 teeth, his molars are coming in, he is crawling, pulling up on furniture, cruising along the furniture, eating all kinds of solids, can say mama and dada (says dada much more often), still nursing and is not really sleeping through the night. He absolutely loves his childcare - which is great. His child care providers care so much for him - which is exactly what we need. I wish that all families had access to such high quality child care - we are very fortunate and VERY grateful...Super Ben is quite the ladies man and a huge flirt - very funny right now ... will not be funny when he is a teenager. Being a mom has been an exhausting and incredible experience. I love Super Ben so much and Andy and I are very lucky to be given such an incredible gift. I just want to make sure that I am the best parent possible - the difficult thing is that when I get home from work I am flat out tired and spent - sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough "educational" stuff with Super Ben (e.g. being consistent in teaching him sign language, reading more than just "good night moon," going around the house pointing things out to him, teaching him new words, etc.)
(2) My Dad
As many of you may already know, my dad has been living with cancer (adenoid cystic carcinoma with origins in the sublinguial gland) for at a minimum the past 10 years. About a month after returning back to work, we found out that my dad's cancer had spread again...so he now has tumors in both lungs, liver, kidneys, rib cage, pancreas, and stomach. In November or December (it is all a blur right now), his oncologist recommended that my dad consider hospice since there was nothing more that they could do to treat his cancer. (Sidenote: a couple of years ago, my dad had tomotherapy targeted at a couple of tumors one in his lung and another impinging on his esophagus which was interfering with his eating. The tomotherapy was effective in reducing the size of those tumors and essentially extending his life and quality of life. The reason that this is no longer an option is because there are so many tumors throughout his body.) So, my dad is currently in hospice and has been for the past 3 months. For the most part his pain is well managed. He is, however, growing increasingly more weak and losing more and more weight. We try to visit him as much as possible these days. About a 1.5 weeks ago, I had the amazing (and grace filled) experience of reading a letter to my dad about what he means to me. I thought that I would be okay reading the letter - however, I could not even get through the 1st sentence without starting to cry. (I may post the letter here eventually so folks can know what he means to me). In addition to telling my dad what he means to me, as a family we learned what my dad wants at his visitation, funeral, and what he wants for each of us moving forward. What and incredible, albeit very tough, experience.
(3) Andy
All that I can say is that I have the most incredible husband, partner and friend in the world. What else is there to say? Love you Andy!
(4) Work
So, I'm not sure if folks know, but I have a tendency to be rather intense (shocking, I know). For the most part, I absolutely love my job. However, the first 3 months back at work from maternity leave were HORRIBLE - I hated it ... I hated that I had to leave Super Ben, I hated pumping, I hated being without Super Ben all day, and would regularly question my decision to be a mom that also had a career outside the home. I would regularly question my decision to go back to work and felt that I was an awful mother, awful wife, awful worker, etc. I was stressed beyond belief. Things improved dramatically after the new year (really around Feb). We hired some more folks, I (for the most part) came to terms with my decision to have a career, and in general worked very hard to get my sh*t together. There are days that I still question my decision to have a career - however, having a career is so much a part of who I am I don't want to have to choose mother vs. career...I am both and I am learning how to do both well... Any advice???
(5) Reading
I've read a lot of great books over the past 6 months. I'll give an update on that later.
(6) Running
Yeah, still doing that every once in a while. Need to get rid of the front pouch and the back fat...just plain gross.
(7) Knitting
I've completed one knitting project since Super Ben's birth.
Ok, that is all for now - next time, which will be sooner rather than later, I will post some pictures of Super Ben, give an update on my dad, and most likely provide a general rant.
Until then, take care and be well.
Later, A
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